Posts Tagged ‘psychopathy’

Sociopaths differ from psychopaths for one reason. They weren’t all born completely the same way they become. Some of us used to have emotions in the past; at least brief ones. And those emotions fade no matter if those are the triggers that erase them or just a snap of genes.
Anyway, most simply forget how it was to feel, and get completely adapted to the new life they get before they even notice. I did too. That is, until I found out I was one.

I truly enjoy the feeling of freedom from conscience and empathy. I love the way I am, and how that sets me free from all the suffering people go through for unimportant things. I used to at least. The first thing I felt when I found out was pride. I loved the fact I can kill as easy as snapping my fingers. And I just continued acting the same way. I couldn’t even remember what it’s like to feel. I did not even try, because I did not care to. Emotions are weaknesses.

And then I’ve heard one song, Jupiter Crash from The Cure (I accidentally found it in my PC), that made me feel somehow. Not real emotions, but I felt different. Something like sadness I guess, but still not quite like it.
It is a song I used to love very much when I was younger, and I remember I cried when I listened to it. Not because I could relate, it was simply sad and beautiful. And that hit me so hard. I felt my mask slip, and everything turned around in my head. And I started crying.

Tomorrow I spoke to Hayley about emotions and the way I used to be. I asked her if she remembers since I couldn’t remember myself from before the hospital.
She said I was more sensible. Certainly less than other people, but I still had it. She reminded me how I cried if my favorite character in some series died, or how I smiled more sincerely at times. But I still can’t remember how it felt. I simply forgot it all. She suggested though, that I might have cried simply because it didn’t go as I wanted it to in the series, but I couldn’t remember even that. And due to that I’m even not certain if I did feel right emotions even then.

It made me think anyway. I couldn’t get my mind off it. What I was missing, how I am so different, and how I’ll never feel what is so normal to. I can understand emotions, and I can act them out, but I can’t really know how they feel. I am missing on such a simple thing. Something everyone is taking for granted. Something I was taking for granted while I had even a hint of it. And when they were gradually washed away I didn’t even notice.

I can’t forgive myself that. And yet, there is a side of me that doesn’t even care. Most of the time I think I’m lucky. The sociopath within me is happy. She doesn’t need anyone; she is the best of all. But she is as cold as ice. Able to control and manipulate. To be whoever, whenever! But none of those personas can feel real emotions.

But I got over that. I stopped looking back at that simple fact as a negative trait. And yet, I can’t listen to that damn song without remembering when I could cry because I simply felt like it, and not because I wanted to in order to gain something.
So if you ever even think being a sociopath is a blessing, imagine your life if someone would take your emotions away from you. It is far from blessing, it is a curse. If I was this way since birth I wouldn’t be jealous at people, but like this I sometimes am. I envy them, and hate them for it. And then I punish them because they have something I don’t by turning it against them.
Now that I heard it again I could write all this and I don’t believe I will play it ever again.
I am a sociopath, and I can’t do anything about it, so why bothering to remember something that’s passed? I’m not even sure that I’d want to.

This is a story where I’ll focus on my only true friend, Hayley, who has OCPD, by the way. I had been mentioning her in a certain number of my posts, and I probably will continue, as she is one of the rare important people in my life for four years now.
Here, I will be writing about our friendship, and what’s it based on, but also, how I learned that I need to make selection about which people I can freely toy with, and which actually deserve at least that much from me to spare them. I’ve learned this when I tried to make her ex boyfriend hate her. What I didn’t have in mind then, was that he too has a personality disorder.

Now, that may not seem like something that’d affect sociopaths plots much, but it actually makes a crucial differences in the outcomes.
Sociopaths can read people very well, and also wear their masks in order to prevent others read them.
That means they can also recognise others’ personality disorders and decide if they can use it in their advantage. I’ll give an example.
For instance, a person with anxiety disorder or histrionic disorder are a perfect target as they are insecure and easy to influence.
On the other hand, bipolars or schizophrenics are people sociopath will avoid due to them being too unpredictive.

In my case, Hayley’s boyfriend (I’ll call him Josh) is a highly-functional autist. What I didn’t know was that people with this sort of autism also have masks and are good at reading people much like sociopaths. One more trait these two have in common is the lack of empathy. So, this is one more disorder that socio would avoid at any cost. The problem though, is that they’re not easy to spot.

To the main story now.

Hayley and I met Josh at the same time, but, as he developed a crush at Hayley that instant she had retreated, and I got to know him a bit. It was very superficial though, so I couldn’t know about his autism. Besides, I had no interest in manipulating him anyhow.
It took almost a year for Hayley to like him back. But they did get together.

She never fully enjoyed that relationship though, felt under pressure and they broke up 8 months later.

That’s when I saw a chance for a game.
Our friend was throwing a party and it happened that Josh had come and Hayley hadn’t because of him as they had a fight after break-up.
He was already angry, but due to his strong emotions, he was not able to truly hate her. It was more of a grudge for unreturned love.
He was depressed and talked to me about it, as I was the closest person to hin on that party. That’s when I decided I can make his anger grow into fury and, eventually, hate.
(I hadn’t had anything against any of them, but I was bored at the party, that was the only reason of my attempt.)
It started with him mentioning how she was heartless, and I used the chance to switch the topic on her bad traits. Continuing, I told him most of the bad things she said about his intollerable behavior, exaggarating caferully, so I would still tell her words and she couldn’t deny if he asked, but still enough to fuel his anger.
I knew I succeeded when he ripped the university catalogue he intended to hand her as he thought she’ll come too.
And he did leave the party with an attitude of never speaking to her again.

As I had no frequent contact with Josh in the next few months though, I let it end on that night. And they made up four months later. It hadn’t bothered me, as Hayley does mean a lot to me, and I wasn’t interested in ruining her happiness as that would lead to her feeling bad, and I would get bored of her. Yes, it was my own interest again, but don’t expect too much from a sociopath.

During that course of time I learned some things too. Both Hayley and Josh understand me, she knows how I am, Josh doesn’t define me as a sociopath, but I asked him once to analyse me, and he described an antisocial perfectly. And yet, both of them are very fond of me.
I even apologized for what I did to both, and the reply I got from Josh was fascinating to me. He said that he did not take it personally nor got upset, and that he actually enjoyed it. “It was like a game of chess.” were his words.

All of that hit me up to make some new rules for my games.
I decided I’ll never play with people that accept me how I really am, even though that are just them two at the moment. They never tried changing me, blackmailing me, nor did they leave my side. I got advices from both, but they always note that’s just a personal opinion and that our friendship won’t be affected if I choose to ignore it.

So, all three of us tend to talk about our disorders, make debates and advice what we should change or pay attention to. This makes us stay linked and it allows me to keep a friendship closest to the ones ordinary people have.

So, why would I break that only for the thrill?
After all, there will always be someone unimportant for the game.

I wanted to show how you can be friends with sociopaths too as long as you show understanding for them and don’t try to make them be something they’re not.
Maybe we aren’t empaths, and we can’t give any love in return, but if you gain a sociopath’s affection, you can be sure they won’t ever try stabbing a knife in your back for the lifetime.
We may not have normal emotions, but we’re still simply humans with a personality disorder, not the devil’s spawn.

Getting exposed before finishing their plans is the greatest punishment for any sociopath. That’s a knife in the heart and it triggers bitterness and rage, but, with rage it also triggers the desire to take revenge.
As I read in many places and blogs, people, when noticing a sociopath, run as fast as they can, which I consider a smart decision. But I had a situation where the person that revealed the way I am wanted to confront me, actually, was convinced she was going to beat me in the game of manipulations.
She made a huge mistake with that. Let’s call her Anna, for instance, since it’ll be much easier for me to present the situation if I can use names, but I won’t use any real names here.

So, our friendship started two and a half years before she saw my real self. We became best friends, as we were so simmilar in everything. This was a mirror effect of course, since she is nothing like me.
At first, I thought we’ll be just fine, as she met her boyfriend thanks to me, and the whole group of friends we were both in (she came from a foreign country to live here).
And as long as I was the first on her list of friends, I was content. I never planed to manipulate her, and the only thing I did as a sociopath was to keep on a faint mask that she’ll love. She still did know I was genuinely ruthless towards some people we both knew, but she was convinced I acted that way to cover up my weaknesses. This annoyed me, since I hate to be said I am weak, but it was better for me if she thought so, and I let her to. After all, she wasn’t the first to say it.
After two years, she distanced from me, as she was always a person easy for manipulation, and her other so-called-friends used that in far worse ways than I did (one even put the joint in her bag without her knowledge, for fun). I didn’t want to bother with saying that to her as she never listened when I was pointing out how she was incapable to ever say “no”, and how stupid it is to believe everyone is good. I tried my best to detach her from those junkies, but she refused. After all, she could never read people as well as I can. And she still clings to those abusers. Anna took my talking wrong and, as she’s not an angel either, decided to take revenge on me. She started copying me, and tried taking my place in our group (as we called it The Battery, I’ll refer to our circle of friends that way from now on) while I was occupied with my relationship. This enraged me pretty much, and I made small gossips which made the whole Battery get a pretty black image of her. It wasn’t all lies to put it clear. I have just put a spotlight on her bad traits. This led to Anna’s distancing from the rest of the Battery and I could pull her to myself again, as her greatest weakness was to be hated by people. This didn’t last long, since she was jealous of my other friend (let’s call her Hayley) that I am very close with. Hayley is the only person who knows me the way I am, and is still by my side. Anna, much as myself, is an attention seeker. But, her methods for drawing attention were always pathetic, and she always plays a victim. This is another trait of hers I despise. And I’m sure that the combination of that and her over-confidence is something that actually ruined her chances against me.

What made me rage was when I made a cardinal mistake and all control slipped from my hands.
It was plain stupidity!

Hayley is someone who has a total insight in all of my plans and manipulations, since she’s the only one out of the Battery I hang around with. And I needed someone to share my plans and successes with, because, as you know by now, sociopath needs verification of his/her deeds.
So, as Anna had some problems in her longlasting relationship, because her angelic mask had fallen off, I saw my chance to completely ruin her life as a revenge for her tries to take my place and kick me out as her rival. After all, I was taking all of the attention she wanted.
And I wrote my plan down for Hayley, but, I forgot to rip the piece out of the notebook I carried to my classes in the fourth grade. And I was reckless about it, so it reached Anna’s hands.

This is where the main ruckus started.

I tried talking my way out, with a sort of a compromise. I was to forget about my manipulation to ruin every aspect of her social life, and she was to simply discard the fact I worked behind her back all the time and not tell anyone. She had accepted the deal, but in the next few days things were shaky. I couldn’t tell what am I at with her as she did speak to me in a brief manner, in classes, but was still very cold, plus, I was in a company of Hayley much more at that period of time.
That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t sad that I lost her as a friend, I was furious because I got caught. It was unbearable to know that, and I felt utterly defeated. Because, the only way to hurt a sociopath is to cut the contact with them. This burns, and I just had to try to fix things. To try and get her back to my side.

At breaks we get out together for a cigarette and that’s when I took a shot. (I will also mention Dan here, our friend who I find rather pathetic, since he thinks he has a chance of hooking up with any of the females from the Battery; and his brother, who I’ll call John, who is a classical thief and a complete idiot, but has hots for Anna)
The conversation was going on like this…

Me: Hey, Anna, how about you come by for a coffee today?
Anna: I’m gonna have to reject your offer.
Me: And why is that? I thought we made an agreement. I said I wasn’t going to do that ever again. And I don’t feel like going to Dan’s today, you know how he hits on both of us! Come on. (this is the point where I already got agitated)
Anna: I don’t think so… I told him I have a crush on John. And I won’t talk to you outside of school anymore. I’m doing this only to observe how Hayley will react. You know, you aren’t the only manipulator around.
Me: Uh-huh.

This is when I stormed into the school buildng, feeling like I’ll start kicking everything I can, and throw and break things. I wanted to kill her at that point, in the real sense of those words. But I had to stay calm and not show it.
That’s when I hit the brake and rewinded our conversation in my head. How stupid of her!
That’s when the odds were on my side again. She had the victory on her palm and was just to grab it, but she let it slip. I laughed. I laughed out loud, couldn’t hold it in at all.
She called me a psychopath in the face three days earlier, and now, knowing how I was, still provided me informations on her “manipulations”! Now, I had the material to tell a story of what a lying bitch she was, and she gave me the motive to do it. I really wasn’t going to until she declared this war. “No one is to be a bigger manipulator than me. No one is better than me. And I will prove it.” were the thoughts I had at that moment. The Battery consists of horrible people really. They are all scum in some way, but they stick together, and when someone tries fooling them, they can be merciless. I’ve heard all of the plots they made against some people, I was a part of some for fun, and they would simply insult them in the face. Tease in a rather cruel way. Anna had a nickname Sophisticated bitch the first time they had seen how she was. But then, she had her boyfriend to stand in her defense. Now that her relationship was falling apart, she didn’t have that. And her greatest weakness, as I said, is to be hated by other people; not to get the needed dose of attention. A classical histrionic.

So, if she didn’t pick on me, she’d be fine, and would even beat me in my own game. I’d have to admit she was better. But no, she was so confident! And she has to pay the price.
The only thing she could still use is that piece of paper, but if everything started decaying, I wouldn’t mind it much. Or, the threat would do to get it back.

All in all, once you expose a sociopath, better distance right away, don’t think you can play the game any longer, because once enraged, it easily passes the limits of mental abuse only. Remember, we have no conscience, and the hurt ego triggers our real ruthlessness.

As the basic feature of every sociopath comes manipulation. We live for deception and we possess a natural talent for performing those.

A sociopath can be capable to manipulate not only one person at a time, but dozens.
For instance, I managed to manipulate 24 people at a time, divided into 5 groups. I was a member of one. So, on this example, I’ll explain how easily we do it.

It was on a seminar, the topic was about design, which gave me extra help, as I’m a creative person, very good on that field. And I had a good reputation concerning my drawing talent so it caused everyone asking for my help.

So, 5 groups consisting of 5 students each had a task to design the best school presentation card for the future first-graders.
As everyone started working, I explained each in my group what they were to do while I checked other groups, targeting their mistakes and “helping” them.

That looked like this:
I detect what the group抯 weakest point is and make sure they miss it, then make a plan for the whole card based on pointing out that point and make it seem ordinary, and yet, manage to convince them it’s unique.
Then, I go over to the second group; making sure they get some similar idea as the first group and eliminate them both as my competition because they’d have unoriginal cards in the most important aspects.
The third group had no idea what to do, so it was especially easy to lead them in a wrong direction with sweet talk about how it shouldn’t look plain, so they overdid it with girly details and made it look awful by themselves. Lack of style, and they’re done.
Fourth group was a bit harder as my friend was in it, and she is also an artistic type so I had to make sure they actually do a good job, but not as good as my group. This demanded a reconstruction of my own group’s card.
I came up with a good idea quickly and reversed their whole work so they had little time to actually accomplish to make it because the clock was ticking out. But knowing how my friend was persistent and over-confident I also knew she’d try, and took the risk. By the end her group didn’t manage to finish after all, just as I thought, and they had to improvise at the presentation which resulted in insecurity and lack of some essential things that I made sure my group had when I got back to it. All this resulted in our group sticking out significantly in compare to others. So we won with the best design, and a confident presentation with me as a speaker.

This was a pretty meaningless competition, but I didn’t care, because the only prize I seek for is glorification. And I got it in this case.
Plus, every one of 24 people was thankful for my help.

This is one of successful manipulations, and these can boost sociopath’s ego incredibly much. Failure, on the other hand, can trigger high aggression and the thirst for vengeance. I get defeat really hard, and when one occurs, people meet my vindictive side. I tend to threat then and beat them in some other game. These are usually mental games that simply ruin their day, since hurting them physically would lead to a problem that would probably mess up some bigger plans, or just my public image that has to stay intact. So, a sociopath will most likely rather use verbal abuse which cannot be proven to others, than beating someone up and leave evidence.

This way, a sociopath makes sure you lose to them in some way anyway. And even if you try telling your friends the way he/she really is, there is a great chance they won’t believe, in case they also know the sociopath personally.
This is another case of group manipulation. If a sociopath decided to toy with you, he must make a safe field for it first. He’ll get close to your friends and convince them he is a good, caring person, and following the logic where people believe the story they hear first, he’s in advantage from the start. So, even when you realize the way he is, you’ll get the support much harder than you’d expect. Because, he can go that far to turn your friends against you. And that way, he’ll keep making your life difficult even after you distance from him.

These are a piece of cake for a sociopath really, and it’s fun performing these, so, even if one fails, he won’t suffer for losing that circle of people because it’s always easy to find a new one that won’t know how he really is.
So, you can’t win…

I’ve always thought I was different in some way, but I started researching mental disorders in the perod of first grade at high school. I’ve noticed my hostility towards people was very high, even though I acted pleasantly with my classmates, and quickly became a magnet for people. They seemed to love being around me, listen to me, and be friends with me. And I enjoyed that, although, I’ve always observed others as if they were below me in every field. And I played my role, being charming and friendly…

I haven’t had many friends in elementary school, since I was a rebel then, getting in fights eagerly, very serious ones ocassionally, even made an ambush for one girl promising I’ll kill her, making the whole school jump on its feet, so she was afraid to get out for a full hour after classes and when finally did, it was in company of a teacher. It was a ruckus, but I’ve made my way out of it, making it look as if it was her fault. I had no regrets of doing so, even went on being proud of it. And one friend I’ve had was a genuinely stupid girl. I enjoyed toying with her, even convinced her I had a boyfriend from the same town. The guy didn’t even exist, and yet, I managed to hold her thinking he did for five months. When I got bored of it I said we broke up, and I am convinced she still thinks that the guy was real even today.

But in high school I decided to change my approach.
I made a whole new person out of myself. Including both physical appearance and persona. I cut my hair short and dyed it black, changed my dressing style and lost some weight in order to look the best I could. This all occured during the summer break so I walked in there as another person from the first day.
Concerning my personality, I was now a cheerful girl, carefree and silly.
People bought that perfectly, and soon I was very loved and sorrounded by people. Although, this bore me by the end of the year and I switched classes, changing again in the second grade, pretty much cutting all the contacts with friends from the first grade. Now I was still a friendly one, but with a dose of arrogance showing, and without holding back about getting in a conflict with the ones I found irritating. I created an image of a “freaky” one, making rather disgusting threats in a joking tone. So yeah, I still held the title of a charming person, despite showing a hostile attittude toward some classmates, because not many people liked them anyway.
Those who I was coarse with found it fun to pick on me then, giving me frequent chances to feel the thrill of getting into a verbal fight and at the same time granting me the imunity if I got into a physical fight due to their bad reputation and my good one going along. I never got into one though because they would cut it out if it would head in that direction.
But, I now had two friends by my side all the time, best friends as they labeled it, and they knew my good side; a caring friend that is always there for them, and the one they have to protect in return. With them, I had an opened passage to all the people they were hanging out with, and gaining good reputation among wider circle of people from school.
And through the third grade I’ve held the same attittude, being the same person as I couldn’t change abruptly as in the first and the second grade, due to the same circle of people. Although, I found thrill in the relationship instead.
Manipulating the guy I targeted and got together with. The first time we were in a relationship it ended with me saying he was just an echange for the first boyfriend I’ve had. Four months later, we got together again, I claimed I had changed, and truly, I did change my behaviour steadily over time, so everyone from our circle of friends could confirm. I drained him in the period of approximately six moths. He was deeply in love with me, so I could ask for anything and I would always lighten his wallet, usually by indicating what would I like to have, and as a result would come a gift. But, as everything else, I got bored, and he started irritating me on a daily basis, so I took two months to completely ruin him, preparing a safe field for break up and making sure he’ll take all of the blame and turn out the worst person I had a chance of meeting. It worked, and I still managed to hold him on the positive side, using his sense of guilt for being such a needy boyfriend, leaving my paths opened to exploit him furter if ever needed since he does have nice connections all around the town.
As to my two friends, one is a histrionic, which makes her twice as easy to manipulate than any other person, and the other, I even told her I’m a sociopath, and she still stays by my side today, believing I would never target her. TTruth to be told, out of our whole group of friends, I have a web connecting them all with my stories, so I can really control every relationship among them as I please. Although, on that, on some other ocassion.

What I wanted to show here was just how we can change our skin without blinking. Actually, we have to, because one thing that kills us is monotony. Due to that, even hair color change comes as some sort of aid. I mean, probably every one of us has some other unimportant aspect serving this purpose, and as our outter appearance is one of the most important things to us, I found mine in frequent changes of hair style and color. Really, these superficial things can be more obvious indicators of sociopathy than behaviour patterns sometimes.

I’m starting this blog under the alias Aquila Viceroy. I’m going to use it in order to give the interested ones an insight in sociopathic lifestyle. Yes, I am a sociopath.
I know that due to features I’ve expressed ever since I was a child, although, nobody ever payed attention, so I managed to slip through without anyone noticing until I was old enough to start with usual acting to cover it up. It goes by automatism, to make it clear, as I didn’t know I was one ever since I was little.
Actually, I was convinced I was just like everyone else, at least concerning my emotions and the way of thinking, and thought that I differ only because of my IQ which reaches the category of superiors.
But, I never understood people with conscience and how they could feel guilt over something they did to hurt someone else. Or empathy… That is something I was fascinated by since I can remember. I wouldn’t like to have it, since it seems like a huge bother, but I’d like to get an explanation of what causes it. Why would someone feel sorry for a person they don’t even know? Or why would they sympathize with their friend’s problems caused by the loss of a family member, for instance? I am actually wondering: What draws necessity to solidarise with others’ pain and suffering? I can’t comprehend that ust as “normal” people can’t get the opposite.

But, as I plan on explaining a lot of aspects of a sociopathic mind in the future I won’t go on about it right now. Basics though, can’t harm. Now, of course, I’ll mostly write through my daily epiriences, and yes, I epect many negative reactions about my deeds, but, considering the fact it can’t affect my life in any way, nor disrupt my plans, I’ll write every detail here since I know how the insight in our mind is desired and yet, how rare it is actually possible to get it. So, watch and learn, and no matter how judgmental you may be, you’ll surely want to know more. That’s just human nature.
I also believe this blog might help in detecting others like me in your sorroundings, but, sociopaths are calculated people, and I doubt any would admit, especially if you’d dare to ask them directly. We are masters of lies, and we like to toy with people, so eposing our real personality is the last thing we’d do. Be sure though, you’ll surely know when one is done with you.
Understand, I’m not here to expose them directly and to talk about all of the evil we are ddealing… I will write about both good and bad sides of Antisocial personality disorder, but I’m not the one trying to change, or become a better person… Just spilling the facts in order to break the classical approach of every sociopath being a creepy-looking serial killer. If that was the case in reality, people wouldn’t have such difficulties in detecting one, after all.