Posts Tagged ‘psychopath’

Everyone knows how a relationship with a sociopath leads to a disaster for the other side; but imagine a relationship with two sociopaths! It’s one hell of a ride. It’s a never-ending competition, and much more.
I had a relationship with a sociopath. At that time I wasn’t aware I was one, and, as far as I know, he still doesn’t know he is one.

Anyway, how does this sort of relationship work?

This dude is a brother of my friend I mentioned earlier, Dan. He doesn’t live in the same country so it was a distanced relationship, but I’ll start from the very beginning.
He visited during one summer break, and I knew he’d come so I had him targeted even before he came.
Unfortunately, the things weren’t going so smoothly at the start as another girl nicked him before me, but, I played it off by the usual sociopathic ways.
I took three days to analyze him, and made a mask according to his likings. But, there was the side I didn’t know then; he was doing the exact same thing with me. So, we made masks at the same time, and due to that, our masks matched perfectly. This probably caused us both to think “Got him/her”.
And as we were both making plans and plots, and were both up to play each other, the relationship was pretty turbulent. Both of us had snaps and crack downs if one would beat the other in one of the small games.
The fact stood those were mind games, and none of us cheated in a relationship. Although, the fights were horrible. They most frequently occurred while he was away and we held the contact via messages. That was a perfect time for toying, because the control was gone, and we were bound only to trusting each other. That is where I cheated though. I was hacking both his and his brother’s facebooks and observed their plots, so there were times I was a step ahead. Of course, we both held our masks on all the time, so the game was very fun. This is probably why it kept us going for so long. We were together for ten months before I finally broke up.

I found it strange while analyzing myself, after the suspicion rose, how that was the only relationship that did not fit the pattern. I never glanced at his behavior though.

During the relationship, we’ve had four smaller break-ups. And they would always end after he came to visit again. Sometimes I’d take the initiative for making up, sometimes it was him, but it was always the same. We did it because we both had so much fun trying to break each other. It’s like a dance under the masks, really. It all seems so smooth and natural and yet, it is all planned to the slightest details.

Once I got overwhelmed though, I had to break the game. He did beat me, but as he was older, he definitely had more experience. It didn’t end there though.

We kept in touch for some time longer, about three or four months. Then, he found something more interesting to play with, I freaked out because now I wasn’t getting the attention, and he just dismissed me for four months. That’s when I targeted the girls he switched to toying with, and, as they were from the same school, I created the war between my friend and them two. As they hated each other already, it was easy. In the meantime I found another boyfriend to kill my boredom as I was mostly passively observing the “girl war”.
After four months he got bored with those two, tired of their obsession with that war, and he contacted me again.
I know us, sociopaths, have the tendency to get back to our past victims if we get the chance to ruin them further, but considering the fact we were of the same kind, it looked a bit different.

This is the plain battle between two socios where the whole world gets pushed aside, and one is concentrated solely on the other. I wanted revenge, but had no way of enquiring it. He just wanted to kill time I guess. And we remained on that. Proving each other wrong about some meaningless things. Eventually, I got bored and simply cut the contact.

But he was still the only person capable of giving me a nervous breakdown and the want to stick around him still. It was all about the game. And it was nothing like any relationship I’ve ever had with any person I know.

And as I said, I wasn’t aware he was the same as me until recently, it finally made the pieces fit though. That wasn’t the relationship based on love as I thought. That’s what bothered me: How could I feel love if I was like this since I can remember?
But it wasn’t love for him; it was love for the competition and the thrill it brought after all.

I conducted a little experiment after the fiasco with Anna (the friend I had mentioned in my post “the consequences of exposing a sociopath and not backing away immediately”). I’d also mentioned my friend Dan back then. Well, as he is very fond of Anna, once that crashed I had no intentions of staying in their surrounding and be bothered about my behavior. But, I did not discard them right away. Dan is the person I took as my white rat for this experiment.

I decided to reveal my true character by myself, as he stated I had changed too much, and stated that some of the people I hanged out with, and he couldn’t stand, affected me. There was a set of conversations, but as I lied in most of them revealing only certain facts about my sociopathic personality, in the last one, I said the complete truth, outing the word ‘sociopath’ only.
Now, it is important to say that he doesn’t know much on personality disorders, but let’s be honest, most people don’t.

I’ll write down the whole dialogue in a form of a story, so I could describe body language too, which was mostly planned from my side. It is crucial at some points of course, due to subconscious effect part it takes.
Well, let’s start…

I’ve been sitting in my room, reading a book when my cell phone ringed, and, honestly, I didn’t expect Dan to ever call again after saying only 50% of the truth, but as people just can’t accept some things that aren’t how they wanted them to be, they obviously refuse to believe.
He said he’d be coming around 5 p.m. to give me the flash drive back. I knew it wasn’t the only reason, and I gladly played along.
When he arrived the first thing he asked was “How are you, Aqui?”
It was obvious he expected me to be sad about our friendship’s departure, but the game was over.
I smirked and replied “Just fine, as always.” in a rather cheerful tone.
He sat down, and there was a five minutes long pause. I saw he had second thoughts about what he’ll say, but I pushed on. “Spit it, Dan. What’s bothering you?” I lit a cigarette and stared him down crossing my legs.
He lit one right after me, heavily exhaled a smoke and leaned forward.
“You’ve changed, Aquila. Way too much. Lilith (my friend that had moved to the capital city for studies, but I still have contact with) is a bad role model for you.”
I pouted crossing my arms. I’ve heard this so many times it started making me sick really. “How to place this into your damn head, huh? I do not have a role model. And I have not changed. I just got bored with that happy-go-lucky role.”
On this, he nodded in a cynical way and got back to his bullshit talk. “You can deny all you want. I know the way you really are”
“Oh yeah? And how am I, Dan?” I asked in an agitated tone.
He exhaled again, changing his position in an Indian style and gave my question some thought. “I don’t know anymore. You just weren’t that cold and cocky. And you suddenly chose to change. I don’t like that.”
This caused a natural grin on my lips. “YOU don’t like it? So what? You decided to make me change?” I made a pause to inhale a smoke and ceased my grin. “Listen, Dan. I am what you see right now. I am cold and cocky. And I don’t give a shit if that suits any of you. I don’t change according to people’s will. I change according to my will to have fun with people. Why do you think Anna called me her “twin”? It is because I made myself seem that way for her.” At this point my voice was pretty harsh.
Information still seemed not to reach his brain though. Christ, how can’t people absorb bad news?!
“So you’ve been acting for four years? That is not possible. You just refuse to admit you’re copying Lilith and Hayley. You think you’re dangerous and wicked, but you’re not. You just want to be. That’s not good for you, Aquila. People will start avoiding you.” Dan said almost sounding as if he pitied me. No body can pity me. But I didn’t snap. I still watched what and how I’ll speak.
“I do not care, Dan! And yes, I’ve been acting! All this time. But I’m done with that. And if you don’t like what you see now, I’m really sorry but I’m afraid I don’t care one bit.” These words were practically hissed out.
“So you can’t get back to old?”
“Oh I can. I can pretend some more if you wish.” I chuckled. “I can be whoever I want to be, whenever I want.”
He placed his pack of cigarettes back in his pocked and got up. “Then, I’m afraid we can’t speak anymore.” He said in a very serious tone. This made me giggle. “I am serious.” He added to that.
“Fine.” I flashed a cynical smile and followed him to the door.

I still am not sure if he completely believed that, but, seeing how hurt he looked meant he gave it a thought at least. So you see, even if we admit how we are, we have to repeat ourselves to assure some people it is really the case. Humans are rather strange. They can’t handle the truth sometimes. That’s probably a bonus for us though. If they even start suspecting they restrain themselves from thinking in that direction. Because people always search for virtues in others, and simply can’t comprehend how can there be a person that has none. I don’t blame them though. People need love from everyone, so it must be a shock when they reveal it was false.

Sociopathy is, as everyone know, a subcategory of antisocial personality disorder. But, subcategories among the sociopaths solely can also be made. As the headline says, I’ll present how sociopaths can be classified. Let me note that this classification is my personal product so don’t take it as scientific facts, but merely an advice to follow for yourself if you ever make out someone is a sociopath, and you just want to know how much damage you can expect.

I’ll present the classification according to aggression, that is, how dangerous is the sociopath you’re dealing with.

The first, and most dangerous, type is a True Sadistic Sociopath.
These are the masters of sociopathic traits. They are perfect liars, completely cold-blooded, zero percent of conscience and the have no boundaries.
They wear perfect masks without a single crack, their every step is planned in detail, and they are the most charming people you’ve ever met. They are successful in every sphere of their life and will make you feel sorry for even sharing the air with them.
They are also potential killers, and will probably say they don’t like animals. And even if they don’t say it, and come in contact with a kitten for instance, you’ll see sharp, dominant moves even if they’re just petting it. These are the sociopaths that most likely spent their childhood torturing and killing small animals. They all “have a thing” for sadistic films and books and will probably gladly admit that they’d like to try torturing a human. These sociopaths are on the very edge of psychopathy mostly because they’re very controlling towards themselves and will rarely snap.

The second type is also quite dangerous, but has a lower degree of practical sadism. This type is a Sadistic-minded Sociopath. Sure, you might say it’s the same thing, but it isn’t really. I too, probably wouldn’t separate these types, but this type is where I belong, and it differs from the first exactly because this type keeps physical sadism out of practice and keeps it in the head.
Their mask is also different (and can be exposed), as they aren’t so strictly organized and have a greater chance to snap due to having the same aggression level as the first type, but aren’t able to control themselves as much.
This type also can be indifferent towards animals. This means they did not necessarily torture animals when they were younger, but they did imagine it, and had temptations to do so.
They can, though, become murderers. These are inclined more towards hurting people, and probably were problematic children. They are expected to also show interest in sadistic things, but will keep it low enough. They would most likely express it in sex games, and through some ordinary habits (For instance, I like biting my friends as a joke), and like holding sharp things that can be used as weapons.
They are prone to making serious threats and certainly wouldn’t miss a chance to get into a fight and go far enough to take out a weapon too if they’re sure they would get away with it.

The third type is a Mental Manipulator. It is the most common type. They wear masks, but their masks last only as long as they serve the purpose. After they get bored, the mask slowly slips off and they become verbally violent, even physically, but these aren’t meant to ever become killers. As far as they go is blackmailing. This third type is exactly why there is a statement that “not all sociopaths are serial killers–” and the first two go for the extension “–but most serial killers are sociopaths.”
This group maybe did torture animals, but they find real joy in hurting humans emotionally only. Of course all of the types do this, but only this type has it as a primary purpose. They can even like animals and keep pets. Because Mental Manipulators find pleasure in breaking hearts not bones, to put it that way.

This is the classification that can accommodate to all sociopaths. Of course, as in any classification, one can be an in-between-type, but you can easily conclude that out of the above facts.

I plan on making something slightly different soon too, and that would be a parallel between male and female sociopaths. I will write this out of personal experience, as I’m a female sociopath and I had a chance of meeting two male sociopaths of which I was in a relationship with one. Differences do exist. But on that some other time.

Even though sociopathy comes in adolescence, every sociopath has certain patterns in behavior throughout their whole life and a characteristic way of thinking. Due to that, sociopathic traits can be detected in childhood, although, parents seem to think “It can’t ever be my child” so these are most frequently neglected. I didn’t pay much attention to my past behavior either, until I got interested in researching antisocial personality disorder. Even then, it came to me quite unexpectedly.

As I was never a person prone to maintaining order in my room, all of my notebooks dating from elementary school remained stuffed in the drawers, and I never bothered to look through them even during my researches. It just didn’t seem to get my attention even though I had second thoughts concerning my general behavior from those years.
Then, it happened that I was sitting in my room once, way too bored to stand it, and no one I could use to kill that boredom was available. So, I went on sniffing around my drawers, taking everything out and started looking through my old notebooks and papers. It was mostly scribbling and some school work, but I came across some poetry I wrote when I was first grade. It was mostly horrible written, kiddy poetry about random things, but there was one poem that differed significantly. It started off as a poem about cosmos, but at the certain point it grew into expressing an opinion on my classmates. It was dark and negative, at one point wishing death/disappearance for all of them. I was seven when that was written.
This tingled my curiosity further so I ended up reading through the content of over 30 notebooks, mostly finding only school work, doodles of dead dinos and monsters, and occasionally an essay or two. The next thing I ran into was a short essay from the third grade of high school, which seemed to pin the subject perfectly. I’ll write it here as it’s pretty short, but quite well explains the view I have concerning good and bad deeds. And I remember that the teacher strongly disagreed with me when I read it.

Headline was: The importance of balance between good and bad.
And this is the essay:

The balance between Good and Bad. I hear this a lot. Everywhere. Everyone talks with a strong belief that good and bad are two opposite things. Two directions someone must choose. Well, I wouldn’t say so.
What are good and bad in the first place? What defines them actually? Good people are the ones that help others no matter what? Is that so… But those people can put themselves aside and become miserable because they feel abused. What do I have from the fact that someone, who doesn’t mean anything to me, says: “Oh she helped me and didn’t ask for anything in return! She’s a good person!” I have one big nothing. Because I know they’ll also say: “Oh she helped me once… She will help anytime.” Isn’t that abusing? I’d say it is. Then, am I a bad person, if we follow the definition of society? Am I wrong to put myself and MY pleasure first? If so, call me evil. Maybe it sounds selfish, but I consider those who mind their own business good people. Tell me then, what a good person is? What are good and bad exactly? No one can tell. Actually, I claim that neither good nor bad exist as a defined term. Everyone sees it differently. Then, I am sure, but absolutely sure, that everyone is both good and bad, depending on the mask they wear, and how they treat whom. Because we have as many personalities as many people we know.
So, what kind of balance are we looking for when it’s already there? Pick a side. If you’re good to others you’ll be bad to yourself, or the opposite. Then, I choose society’s definition of a bad person.
To put it clear… In our own minds, good is something that gives us a pleasant feeling, or the thrill. Bad is something that we don’t like or mind it. Universe doesn’t care about making a balance. It is us who strive to make it with our own laws. I say sit back, relax, and watch the humanity decay under its own definitions and rules.

This essay I read with pride, and stood behind every word even though 80% of my class claimed it was wrong and cruel to think only of my own gain in every situation, and pointed out that I was wrong about the part where I said that being a different person for different people is normal, and claimed it is impossible. Even the teacher agreed on that one and I still tried proving them that I was right.
I had no idea then, but even today, I can’t say I find anything wrong in that attitude. The only difference is that now I know why it stands like that.

A sociopath is a soulless person living only to ruin others’ lives. A narcissist that is above everyone. But, what does a sociopath actually see when looking into the mirror?

Sociopaths may not be able to feel emotions like any other human, but we still have some sort of emotions. They significantly differ from a healthy specter but they can cause the same effect sometimes.
We are cold and devoid of feelings most of the time, only using our brain with no heart involved.
But, I can claim, not one sociopath can remain cold-hearted when they look at themselves; because that is the only person they live for and have compassion for.

The image changes though.
Most of the time, it’s plain narcissism. I can spend hours only looking at my reflection and admiring to myself. But, that’s when everything I need to be in control of is that way.
If I have problems with that control, or just getting through abandonment period (which happened a few times to me, followed as the consequence of exposure) the image changes drastically. This is when sociopath can feel, and starts feeling certain emotions from the specter.

It is never a normal regret though. Not the one you’d expect from someone who can see their mistakes and feel sorry for being a bad person, because that sort demands conscience. This regret is based on my mistakes in manipulations. The moment of snapping and telling the truth. Because, when I’m annoyed or angry to a certain point I can’t really control what I’m saying. I get sick of games and just spill everything I really think out. And that drives people away from me, understandable, of course.

So, I tend to stare deep into my own eyes, thinking and thinking. Sociopaths can certainly feel depression, and that is something we take really hard. That’s when we stop toying, because there’s no one left to toy with, and then we have time to turn back and see what hides behind the mask we carry 24 hours a day, even when we’re alone. And when that mask slips all that remains is a monster.
Now, I don’t try to see a soul in the reflection, but I do try to see that monster, and I do see it. Ruthless and conscienceless person staring back. That’s when I realize I simply need other people around me. I need their emotions or I’ll start falling apart.
It differs from loneliness people with normal emotions can feel, because they feel sadness, and we feel craving. So, the period of not being able to play games forces us to get away from that mirror right after regaining some energy, and go back to hunting, simply because we can’t stand looking into that monster anymore.

This leads to a conclusion we can adore ourselves only when we’re powered by others’ emotions that reflect on us, at least superficially. We don’t feel them, but we can see how they look like, and due to that we have to be around emotional people.

It is a selfish thing to do, but it is demanded and as we have to make others feel the way we want to, no matter the cost, we are devoid of conscience and empathy. If we had those, we would just feel twice as miserable for doing it and we’d fall into a vicious circle that not one person could really stand. We wouldn’t be capable of functioning and would probably have quite short lifetime. That’s why antisocial personality disorder disables our mind from conscience.

Sociopathic behavior seems as it is designed to work against the rest of society, but it certainly is not against nature itself. As said, the law of nature is: survival of the fittest. And sociopaths and psychopaths are in advantage when it comes to this law. We care only for ourselves and that lets us adapt almost everywhere, makes us capable of eliminating our competition and put our own survival in the first place. So, if society would ever decay, it would be sociopaths/psychopaths that would be the last ones standing.
Our psyche is designed for this nature’s law, and society lives contrary to it. That is the only reason why we can’t ever fit in without masks.