Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

A lack of empathy is the first thing anyone would say about sociopaths. That is our most popular trait. It doesn’t mean it’s the worst one though. It can even represent a problem in blending in as a normal person because I have to think through every word someone says to me while complaining and recognize which problem demands consoling of the other person.
Every problem other person can have is equal in my mind, and they are all meaningless. No matter if it’s being cheated on, a family member loss, a trauma or merely a bad grade. It is all the same for me, and I don’t feel compassion in any case. But, I am demanded to if I want that person’s trust. So I fake it, and I console them and advise them. This is all a very boring job though, so I avoid a person if I notice they’re feeling down. When I see someone crying to me I just want to run away as fast as I can. But I don’t; I stay and make them feel better in exchange for their trust. Because if I have trust, I have them in control. Still, I did have problems before, when I should’ve expressed empathy and I haven’t simply because I couldn’t figure out what to say or do. (Empathy is the hardest emotion to fake.) And people open up to me way too much. I have information on the darkest secrets of a lot of my friends, even my ex-boyfriends. I do like that, because I can use it for blackmail if something ever goes wrong, but gathering that information is tough. Actually the process my psyche goes through in order to adapt to the situation while I’m being told the horrible secret.
I’ll give a few examples of the situations I really had a rough time acting out.

The first time I had confronted someone else’s big problem was when my ex-boyfriend (calling him Len) had told me about his father cheating on his mother.
Len is the introvert type of person that acts tough, and won’t show he’s bothered, but is very sensitive and empathic. He didn’t even ask for empathy, and I didn’t show it almost at all. He did tell me about his family falling apart, and how he’ll make his father end that affair. Now, this had shown he does care, and that it does affect him in a negative way. Even though he had expressed only anger, I could see he was under pressure by knowing it and not telling his mother. It was eating him inside. Once he asked if it was normal to want to kill that other woman. That’s when I knew he was about to break. And still, all I did was observe.
After a few days I have decided to break up because that relationship overwhelmed me, and wasn’t fun anymore. I left him hurt and didn’t even ask if he was alright about the family issue. I just didn’t care.

The second case is when I knew to fake worrying perfectly, but it was only a break-up, and I wasn’t so bothered, even had fun on making that girl hate her ex. But, in my head, I struggled to understand why is she so hurt? How can she cry for him after finding out he cheated on her? Why? I was sharing her pain and showed full understanding, but I had no idea how it actually felt. Why does she need someone to cry to? Why telling a problem makes it easier to take? I was so confused it scared me.
I kept my mask on easily though, not showing a speck of my confusion. This girl thinks I’m the best person she could meet. I am a saint in her eyes. Always there to help and put others’ worries before my own. It is all a mask of course. As she’s still a 15 years old child I can train her like she’s a dog not a person. That’s why I linger around her anyway.

The third case was another ex-boyfriend. This guy was really messed up. He lost his father in a car accident when he was seven. Since then he lived with mother and sister. I got together with him because I was bored, and he seemed so easy to manipulate.
This guy never showed any emotions to others, always being the one to hurt and mock others. But it was just a defense mechanism. After only one month he told me he loved me. It was funny to me, and I just told him he doesn’t even know what love is. But I let him convince me he does. After all, it was good for me. He would glorify me, make me feel as if I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I was getting a shower of presents. That was also the time he started opening up to me. As I said, his head was one big mess. He was aggressive, possessive, and cold. But he was also sensitive and vulnerable with those that meant to him. That’s how I knew he was not a psychopath as I first thought. He told me many things about him. How he was cutting himself, how he was suicidal (and still is I reckon). And I reacted cold on all of that because I was annoyed by his possessive behavior. I cheated on him after two and a half months with Len before we got together for the second time. And I told him that. The fact that he didn’t want to break up with me even then and asked me to repent and promise I won’t do it even again enraged me. I told him it’s done coldly and walked away just to meet Len 15 minutes later. He was also furious though. He gathered his friends and attacked Len in front of me. That’s when I snapped and nearly got into a fight with one of them myself, but Len held me back. (All the things with Len I described in the first case happened after that.) And again, I wasn’t feeling at fault for him getting beaten up because of me. I felt proud for making two guys fight over me, but I faked my empathy once again.

The fourth, and the last case, happened recently when Lilith came to visit. (My friend I mentioned once who was living in the capital city for university.) She also had family problems, her mother cheating on her father. I couldn’t quite gather myself again. This topic is obviously a problem for me. Maybe I’m simply too young to comprehend family problems, and with the lack of empathy I just don’t know how to react naturally. I only acted as I felt sorry and said I couldn’t possibly help. She was fine with that, but I saw she was burdened by knowing this. She asked me how I would react if I found out my mother was a cheater and I just remained silent. I couldn’t say I wouldn’t care, although that is the truth, so I said I didn’t know for sure.

I still don’t understand why people trust me so easily. Sure, I have my “perfect friend” mask on, but I heard so many times that people just feel when there’s something wrong with a person. I read countless times that someone simply had a gut feeling about a sociopath being wrong even before finding out they were one. It doesn’t seem like that to me.
Anyway, I guess it’s just human nature to trust people. I never trusted anyone, but it is probably because I know I can’t be trusted and that there can be others like me anywhere. People can trust others as much as they can deceive. And as a sociopath can deceive anyone, they also can’t trust anyone.
We live our lives alone. And cope with everything alone even though we’re mostly surrounded with people. Because we lack empathy, we don’t need it for real either. All we need is your trust so we can use it against you and toy with your emotions. Monstrous I admit. But that’s simply in our nature.

So if you ever have a gut feeling about someone, better don’t open up too much. Who knows what hides behind the compassionate eyes looking back. The truth is you can’t trust anyone but yourself.

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Alright, I can say I whined in my last post quite a lot. And that crisis of mine lasted for a couple of days only, really. The thing is, I felt that awful void in a my mind constantly, and I couldn’t take it longer than a day.

I once more consulted Hayley. Now, as a sociopath, I can’t ever become normal or “cured” but I have a chance to get better if I only manage to reach the core of the whole disorder.

What makes me miserable?
How to prevent it?
How to adapt to the new behavior?

These were the three main questions I had had to ask myself in order to detect a problem.
She warned me though. I went with high expectations right away, already knowing I’ll manage to do it all alone. Hayley just said I need help, a professional help that is. Because even if I find a problem I wouldn’t work on it, but just find a way to avoid it in the future.
I gave it some thought and she was right. I was always willing to cooperate when I was depressed, but that passes very quickly, as soon as the slightest change happens, and I get back to my old over-confident self that is content and doesn’t need any help.
This time I wanted to at least find out what exactly my main problem was.
What makes me feel down most commonly? What hurts me the most?

Defeat.
That is the main problem.
I can’t take defeat in any sphere of life, no matter how meaningless it is. (For example, I got extremely irritated when I lost a game of chess against Hayley.)
So, I would have to learn not to be so competitive. Not to take every event as a competition. And not to overreact if I lose at something. That doesn’t even sound possible for me.
Also, I’d have to stop planning every step I make, and every word I say. Every sentence that I tell is aimed to achieve an exact effect I want. I need to stop that too.

Hayley was right then. I had found what the problem is, but I won’t do a thing to solve it. At least not in the right way. That’s why I divided this post into two parts. This was the first part.
Knowing the problem.

Now the second. Solving the problem.
Well this is where a sociopath will stop.
There are a few reasons for hitting the brake, plus taking the wrong turn.
First of all, a sociopath is always right and he/she doesn’t admit the mistake/problem to him/herself. They see it but only objectively. Personally, they’ll just give in to easy way and only work on their manipulation skills in order not to get defeated the next time. But, there is always a situation where they will lose; that’s simply natural.
So the cycle just continues, and a sociopath won’t achieve anything.
The reason they’ll let it spin like that forever is because they can’t learn from their expirience and believe that “this time” they won’t let it happen. Because they are the best after all.

See I know all this, objectively as I said, but I’m still not changing a thing.
Due to a blockade this disorder brings, I can only work this out in the right way with the help of a professional. It doesn’t end here either. Because I don’t want to change when the crisis passes.

With the change, I mean that, as a sociopath, I need to learn to adapt to defeat and learn to not take it so personal. And I also need to learn to stop planning and struggle so much to hold everything in control. Honestly though, it bothers me to even think about not doing that.

To look back on the whole talk again.
Why it is so hard for a sociopath to ever accomplish the successful treatment?
The period of depression lasts too short, and that is the only course of time we’re willing to get the treatment. As soon as it passes it’s like a different person. Too stubborn and convinced that he/she does not need it due to superiority complex.
Then avoiding of obligations and changes. A sociopath frequently cannot define their true personality, and the thought of changing the ways they’ve been working with is absolutely out of question. So, we’re left with working against ourselves, or be forced to treatment by family, friends or law in the worst.