The problem: Knowing and Solving

Posted: December 6, 2013 in Uncategorized
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Alright, I can say I whined in my last post quite a lot. And that crisis of mine lasted for a couple of days only, really. The thing is, I felt that awful void in a my mind constantly, and I couldn’t take it longer than a day.

I once more consulted Hayley. Now, as a sociopath, I can’t ever become normal or “cured” but I have a chance to get better if I only manage to reach the core of the whole disorder.

What makes me miserable?
How to prevent it?
How to adapt to the new behavior?

These were the three main questions I had had to ask myself in order to detect a problem.
She warned me though. I went with high expectations right away, already knowing I’ll manage to do it all alone. Hayley just said I need help, a professional help that is. Because even if I find a problem I wouldn’t work on it, but just find a way to avoid it in the future.
I gave it some thought and she was right. I was always willing to cooperate when I was depressed, but that passes very quickly, as soon as the slightest change happens, and I get back to my old over-confident self that is content and doesn’t need any help.
This time I wanted to at least find out what exactly my main problem was.
What makes me feel down most commonly? What hurts me the most?

Defeat.
That is the main problem.
I can’t take defeat in any sphere of life, no matter how meaningless it is. (For example, I got extremely irritated when I lost a game of chess against Hayley.)
So, I would have to learn not to be so competitive. Not to take every event as a competition. And not to overreact if I lose at something. That doesn’t even sound possible for me.
Also, I’d have to stop planning every step I make, and every word I say. Every sentence that I tell is aimed to achieve an exact effect I want. I need to stop that too.

Hayley was right then. I had found what the problem is, but I won’t do a thing to solve it. At least not in the right way. That’s why I divided this post into two parts. This was the first part.
Knowing the problem.

Now the second. Solving the problem.
Well this is where a sociopath will stop.
There are a few reasons for hitting the brake, plus taking the wrong turn.
First of all, a sociopath is always right and he/she doesn’t admit the mistake/problem to him/herself. They see it but only objectively. Personally, they’ll just give in to easy way and only work on their manipulation skills in order not to get defeated the next time. But, there is always a situation where they will lose; that’s simply natural.
So the cycle just continues, and a sociopath won’t achieve anything.
The reason they’ll let it spin like that forever is because they can’t learn from their expirience and believe that “this time” they won’t let it happen. Because they are the best after all.

See I know all this, objectively as I said, but I’m still not changing a thing.
Due to a blockade this disorder brings, I can only work this out in the right way with the help of a professional. It doesn’t end here either. Because I don’t want to change when the crisis passes.

With the change, I mean that, as a sociopath, I need to learn to adapt to defeat and learn to not take it so personal. And I also need to learn to stop planning and struggle so much to hold everything in control. Honestly though, it bothers me to even think about not doing that.

To look back on the whole talk again.
Why it is so hard for a sociopath to ever accomplish the successful treatment?
The period of depression lasts too short, and that is the only course of time we’re willing to get the treatment. As soon as it passes it’s like a different person. Too stubborn and convinced that he/she does not need it due to superiority complex.
Then avoiding of obligations and changes. A sociopath frequently cannot define their true personality, and the thought of changing the ways they’ve been working with is absolutely out of question. So, we’re left with working against ourselves, or be forced to treatment by family, friends or law in the worst.

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