Sociopaths differ from psychopaths for one reason. They weren’t all born completely the same way they become. Some of us used to have emotions in the past; at least brief ones. And those emotions fade no matter if those are the triggers that erase them or just a snap of genes.
Anyway, most simply forget how it was to feel, and get completely adapted to the new life they get before they even notice. I did too. That is, until I found out I was one.

I truly enjoy the feeling of freedom from conscience and empathy. I love the way I am, and how that sets me free from all the suffering people go through for unimportant things. I used to at least. The first thing I felt when I found out was pride. I loved the fact I can kill as easy as snapping my fingers. And I just continued acting the same way. I couldn’t even remember what it’s like to feel. I did not even try, because I did not care to. Emotions are weaknesses.

And then I’ve heard one song, Jupiter Crash from The Cure (I accidentally found it in my PC), that made me feel somehow. Not real emotions, but I felt different. Something like sadness I guess, but still not quite like it.
It is a song I used to love very much when I was younger, and I remember I cried when I listened to it. Not because I could relate, it was simply sad and beautiful. And that hit me so hard. I felt my mask slip, and everything turned around in my head. And I started crying.

Tomorrow I spoke to Hayley about emotions and the way I used to be. I asked her if she remembers since I couldn’t remember myself from before the hospital.
She said I was more sensible. Certainly less than other people, but I still had it. She reminded me how I cried if my favorite character in some series died, or how I smiled more sincerely at times. But I still can’t remember how it felt. I simply forgot it all. She suggested though, that I might have cried simply because it didn’t go as I wanted it to in the series, but I couldn’t remember even that. And due to that I’m even not certain if I did feel right emotions even then.

It made me think anyway. I couldn’t get my mind off it. What I was missing, how I am so different, and how I’ll never feel what is so normal to. I can understand emotions, and I can act them out, but I can’t really know how they feel. I am missing on such a simple thing. Something everyone is taking for granted. Something I was taking for granted while I had even a hint of it. And when they were gradually washed away I didn’t even notice.

I can’t forgive myself that. And yet, there is a side of me that doesn’t even care. Most of the time I think I’m lucky. The sociopath within me is happy. She doesn’t need anyone; she is the best of all. But she is as cold as ice. Able to control and manipulate. To be whoever, whenever! But none of those personas can feel real emotions.

But I got over that. I stopped looking back at that simple fact as a negative trait. And yet, I can’t listen to that damn song without remembering when I could cry because I simply felt like it, and not because I wanted to in order to gain something.
So if you ever even think being a sociopath is a blessing, imagine your life if someone would take your emotions away from you. It is far from blessing, it is a curse. If I was this way since birth I wouldn’t be jealous at people, but like this I sometimes am. I envy them, and hate them for it. And then I punish them because they have something I don’t by turning it against them.
Now that I heard it again I could write all this and I don’t believe I will play it ever again.
I am a sociopath, and I can’t do anything about it, so why bothering to remember something that’s passed? I’m not even sure that I’d want to.


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