Archive for November, 2013

This is a story where I’ll focus on my only true friend, Hayley, who has OCPD, by the way. I had been mentioning her in a certain number of my posts, and I probably will continue, as she is one of the rare important people in my life for four years now.
Here, I will be writing about our friendship, and what’s it based on, but also, how I learned that I need to make selection about which people I can freely toy with, and which actually deserve at least that much from me to spare them. I’ve learned this when I tried to make her ex boyfriend hate her. What I didn’t have in mind then, was that he too has a personality disorder.

Now, that may not seem like something that’d affect sociopaths plots much, but it actually makes a crucial differences in the outcomes.
Sociopaths can read people very well, and also wear their masks in order to prevent others read them.
That means they can also recognise others’ personality disorders and decide if they can use it in their advantage. I’ll give an example.
For instance, a person with anxiety disorder or histrionic disorder are a perfect target as they are insecure and easy to influence.
On the other hand, bipolars or schizophrenics are people sociopath will avoid due to them being too unpredictive.

In my case, Hayley’s boyfriend (I’ll call him Josh) is a highly-functional autist. What I didn’t know was that people with this sort of autism also have masks and are good at reading people much like sociopaths. One more trait these two have in common is the lack of empathy. So, this is one more disorder that socio would avoid at any cost. The problem though, is that they’re not easy to spot.

To the main story now.

Hayley and I met Josh at the same time, but, as he developed a crush at Hayley that instant she had retreated, and I got to know him a bit. It was very superficial though, so I couldn’t know about his autism. Besides, I had no interest in manipulating him anyhow.
It took almost a year for Hayley to like him back. But they did get together.

She never fully enjoyed that relationship though, felt under pressure and they broke up 8 months later.

That’s when I saw a chance for a game.
Our friend was throwing a party and it happened that Josh had come and Hayley hadn’t because of him as they had a fight after break-up.
He was already angry, but due to his strong emotions, he was not able to truly hate her. It was more of a grudge for unreturned love.
He was depressed and talked to me about it, as I was the closest person to hin on that party. That’s when I decided I can make his anger grow into fury and, eventually, hate.
(I hadn’t had anything against any of them, but I was bored at the party, that was the only reason of my attempt.)
It started with him mentioning how she was heartless, and I used the chance to switch the topic on her bad traits. Continuing, I told him most of the bad things she said about his intollerable behavior, exaggarating caferully, so I would still tell her words and she couldn’t deny if he asked, but still enough to fuel his anger.
I knew I succeeded when he ripped the university catalogue he intended to hand her as he thought she’ll come too.
And he did leave the party with an attitude of never speaking to her again.

As I had no frequent contact with Josh in the next few months though, I let it end on that night. And they made up four months later. It hadn’t bothered me, as Hayley does mean a lot to me, and I wasn’t interested in ruining her happiness as that would lead to her feeling bad, and I would get bored of her. Yes, it was my own interest again, but don’t expect too much from a sociopath.

During that course of time I learned some things too. Both Hayley and Josh understand me, she knows how I am, Josh doesn’t define me as a sociopath, but I asked him once to analyse me, and he described an antisocial perfectly. And yet, both of them are very fond of me.
I even apologized for what I did to both, and the reply I got from Josh was fascinating to me. He said that he did not take it personally nor got upset, and that he actually enjoyed it. “It was like a game of chess.” were his words.

All of that hit me up to make some new rules for my games.
I decided I’ll never play with people that accept me how I really am, even though that are just them two at the moment. They never tried changing me, blackmailing me, nor did they leave my side. I got advices from both, but they always note that’s just a personal opinion and that our friendship won’t be affected if I choose to ignore it.

So, all three of us tend to talk about our disorders, make debates and advice what we should change or pay attention to. This makes us stay linked and it allows me to keep a friendship closest to the ones ordinary people have.

So, why would I break that only for the thrill?
After all, there will always be someone unimportant for the game.

I wanted to show how you can be friends with sociopaths too as long as you show understanding for them and don’t try to make them be something they’re not.
Maybe we aren’t empaths, and we can’t give any love in return, but if you gain a sociopath’s affection, you can be sure they won’t ever try stabbing a knife in your back for the lifetime.
We may not have normal emotions, but we’re still simply humans with a personality disorder, not the devil’s spawn.


Everyone knows how a relationship with a sociopath leads to a disaster for the other side; but imagine a relationship with two sociopaths! It’s one hell of a ride. It’s a never-ending competition, and much more.
I had a relationship with a sociopath. At that time I wasn’t aware I was one, and, as far as I know, he still doesn’t know he is one.

Anyway, how does this sort of relationship work?

This dude is a brother of my friend I mentioned earlier, Dan. He doesn’t live in the same country so it was a distanced relationship, but I’ll start from the very beginning.
He visited during one summer break, and I knew he’d come so I had him targeted even before he came.
Unfortunately, the things weren’t going so smoothly at the start as another girl nicked him before me, but, I played it off by the usual sociopathic ways.
I took three days to analyze him, and made a mask according to his likings. But, there was the side I didn’t know then; he was doing the exact same thing with me. So, we made masks at the same time, and due to that, our masks matched perfectly. This probably caused us both to think “Got him/her”.
And as we were both making plans and plots, and were both up to play each other, the relationship was pretty turbulent. Both of us had snaps and crack downs if one would beat the other in one of the small games.
The fact stood those were mind games, and none of us cheated in a relationship. Although, the fights were horrible. They most frequently occurred while he was away and we held the contact via messages. That was a perfect time for toying, because the control was gone, and we were bound only to trusting each other. That is where I cheated though. I was hacking both his and his brother’s facebooks and observed their plots, so there were times I was a step ahead. Of course, we both held our masks on all the time, so the game was very fun. This is probably why it kept us going for so long. We were together for ten months before I finally broke up.

I found it strange while analyzing myself, after the suspicion rose, how that was the only relationship that did not fit the pattern. I never glanced at his behavior though.

During the relationship, we’ve had four smaller break-ups. And they would always end after he came to visit again. Sometimes I’d take the initiative for making up, sometimes it was him, but it was always the same. We did it because we both had so much fun trying to break each other. It’s like a dance under the masks, really. It all seems so smooth and natural and yet, it is all planned to the slightest details.

Once I got overwhelmed though, I had to break the game. He did beat me, but as he was older, he definitely had more experience. It didn’t end there though.

We kept in touch for some time longer, about three or four months. Then, he found something more interesting to play with, I freaked out because now I wasn’t getting the attention, and he just dismissed me for four months. That’s when I targeted the girls he switched to toying with, and, as they were from the same school, I created the war between my friend and them two. As they hated each other already, it was easy. In the meantime I found another boyfriend to kill my boredom as I was mostly passively observing the “girl war”.
After four months he got bored with those two, tired of their obsession with that war, and he contacted me again.
I know us, sociopaths, have the tendency to get back to our past victims if we get the chance to ruin them further, but considering the fact we were of the same kind, it looked a bit different.

This is the plain battle between two socios where the whole world gets pushed aside, and one is concentrated solely on the other. I wanted revenge, but had no way of enquiring it. He just wanted to kill time I guess. And we remained on that. Proving each other wrong about some meaningless things. Eventually, I got bored and simply cut the contact.

But he was still the only person capable of giving me a nervous breakdown and the want to stick around him still. It was all about the game. And it was nothing like any relationship I’ve ever had with any person I know.

And as I said, I wasn’t aware he was the same as me until recently, it finally made the pieces fit though. That wasn’t the relationship based on love as I thought. That’s what bothered me: How could I feel love if I was like this since I can remember?
But it wasn’t love for him; it was love for the competition and the thrill it brought after all.

I’ve seen many family members react negatively when they find out that one of them is a sociopath/psychopath. Also, it happens that they notice out-of-pattern behavior (especially parents). But, as both sociopathy and psychopathy are genetic disorders, it isn’t rare that one of the parents is also one. It doesn’t have to be the case, since certain genes can skip a generation or come as stray from the other part of the family, but in my case, both my mother and I are sociopaths.

I avoided telling her that, due to some differences that exist among us. These differences probably originate from the fact that she had a calmer childhood, and had little to no traumas (or triggers).
She is also not a sadistic sociopath type like me. This led to some changes in my growing up, since she is not a “full-blown” sociopath.
I talk to her a lot, and we have a strong bond, even though it isn’t based on normal mother-daughter love bond. It is more based on mutual understanding, and it is very visible that my father is somehow cast aside from this. We live in the same house, but I rarely ever have a lengthy conversation with him, and it usually ends with a serious verbal fight.
But back to my mother and me.
She is quite atypical since she seems to have a certain dose of empathy for animals. And, as we’ve kept cats almost since my birth, I grew up around animals and learned to act nicely with them. Even today I still have cats, and I do enjoy their presence. Although, when I was younger, I had the tendency to imagine torturing a cat and seeing how it would react. I also squeezed them a lot to hear them squeak, but I never hurt them. It also happens that cat starts annoying me and I hit it pretty harshly. Now, I don’t feel guilt about hitting it too hard, but something still “slaps” me for doing so. It passes pretty quickly though, in the matter of seconds.
She has no empathy for humans, however. She never had many friends, and the ones she had meant nothing to her. It’s the same for me. But, as I said, I had had certain triggers during my teenage years, and that’s when emotion by emotion (faint ones, but still somewhat present) started falling off. After a few strong triggers my personality with sociopathic tendencies only, grew into a true sociopathic personality.
I had no idea it did until Hayley brought it up, since she is interested in psychology.
I knew I was different, but I was so convinced I had normal emotions that I went with complete opposite at the start and concluded I had Borderline personality disorder. Hayley noted a few times that certain things did match, but something was still wrong with it. I dismissed her opinion though. I wanted to believe it was BPD I had, because that would give me immunity. But, I didn’t pay attention I wanted it just for personal gain, to justify my bad behavior. And she couldn’t tell that I was manipulative liar since I always had a mask on.
Anyway, as I came to a realization of my true disorder, I took it just fine; again proving I had no emotions. Once I got along with that, I said it to Hayley, and everything did fit as I took my mask off for her.

And as sociopathy is genetic, I started analyzing my mother, as I resemble her too much in behavior. That’s when I first started asking her about her past and her attitudes for other people actively. Even today, she has no friends and she seems to be content with that. But, as I said, she does have empathy for animals and her close family.
Within a year, I lost my grandmother, mother’s mother, and grandfather, my father’s father.
I was indifferent about both events, not feeling a speck of sadness, but I’ve seen my mother cry for her mother’s death. Though, she gave no response for my grandfather, the same as me. So this supports the theory she isn’t like me completely.

At the time of my grandfather’s death, I was in a hospital though, and the circumstances were a bit different. The time at the hospital was also one of my triggers. That’s when I lost the last remaining bits of sanity, but I’ll talk about that in a post about triggers soon. This point was significant though, becuse that’s when I had the first major snap. A public one that is. And that was when the whole family from my father’s side concluded they had so much against my behavior. I snapped because both of my parents were going to the funeral in a pretty distanced city and were leaving me alone at the hospital for two days. Both of my aunts were there and I still yelled “I don’t give a shit about the damn funeral, he is dead and I am still alive, you don’t have to go both!” This hit them all pretty hard, and I never regretted a single word. No guilt. The key point was when my mother was the only one to step over to my side and did not find anything wrong with my opinion. All she did was to discreetly warn me not to show it so openly.

And in many conversations she would tell my mistakes, and how to correct them. But she never mentioned it was wrong nor scolded me for being manipulative. Almost even praised me sometimes. She observes that as one simply is having formed opinion on things and being able to get through life to get what one wants. She often uses the phrase “any means necessary” when advising me. And I really live with that phrase as one of my mottos.

I find it interesting how she kept thinking that kind of behavior is right for her whole life, and how she taught me to live following these principles beside my father watching and teaching me the opposite. On the other side, I probably wouldn’t accept them if I wasn’t like her from my early years.

I also remember how she always stood in my defense when I had fights at elementary school, even though she knew it was my fault. She’d always help me make up a valid story to make the other side look guilty, and it worked every single time. I was never accused for starting the fight in the end, and she seemed to always convince the teachers to think what she wanted them to.

So there’s the recipe for creating a perfect sociopath: I had genetic tendencies, a firm role model to fuel them and enough triggers caused by the surroundings to light the match. And voila!

I conducted a little experiment after the fiasco with Anna (the friend I had mentioned in my post “the consequences of exposing a sociopath and not backing away immediately”). I’d also mentioned my friend Dan back then. Well, as he is very fond of Anna, once that crashed I had no intentions of staying in their surrounding and be bothered about my behavior. But, I did not discard them right away. Dan is the person I took as my white rat for this experiment.

I decided to reveal my true character by myself, as he stated I had changed too much, and stated that some of the people I hanged out with, and he couldn’t stand, affected me. There was a set of conversations, but as I lied in most of them revealing only certain facts about my sociopathic personality, in the last one, I said the complete truth, outing the word ‘sociopath’ only.
Now, it is important to say that he doesn’t know much on personality disorders, but let’s be honest, most people don’t.

I’ll write down the whole dialogue in a form of a story, so I could describe body language too, which was mostly planned from my side. It is crucial at some points of course, due to subconscious effect part it takes.
Well, let’s start…

I’ve been sitting in my room, reading a book when my cell phone ringed, and, honestly, I didn’t expect Dan to ever call again after saying only 50% of the truth, but as people just can’t accept some things that aren’t how they wanted them to be, they obviously refuse to believe.
He said he’d be coming around 5 p.m. to give me the flash drive back. I knew it wasn’t the only reason, and I gladly played along.
When he arrived the first thing he asked was “How are you, Aqui?”
It was obvious he expected me to be sad about our friendship’s departure, but the game was over.
I smirked and replied “Just fine, as always.” in a rather cheerful tone.
He sat down, and there was a five minutes long pause. I saw he had second thoughts about what he’ll say, but I pushed on. “Spit it, Dan. What’s bothering you?” I lit a cigarette and stared him down crossing my legs.
He lit one right after me, heavily exhaled a smoke and leaned forward.
“You’ve changed, Aquila. Way too much. Lilith (my friend that had moved to the capital city for studies, but I still have contact with) is a bad role model for you.”
I pouted crossing my arms. I’ve heard this so many times it started making me sick really. “How to place this into your damn head, huh? I do not have a role model. And I have not changed. I just got bored with that happy-go-lucky role.”
On this, he nodded in a cynical way and got back to his bullshit talk. “You can deny all you want. I know the way you really are”
“Oh yeah? And how am I, Dan?” I asked in an agitated tone.
He exhaled again, changing his position in an Indian style and gave my question some thought. “I don’t know anymore. You just weren’t that cold and cocky. And you suddenly chose to change. I don’t like that.”
This caused a natural grin on my lips. “YOU don’t like it? So what? You decided to make me change?” I made a pause to inhale a smoke and ceased my grin. “Listen, Dan. I am what you see right now. I am cold and cocky. And I don’t give a shit if that suits any of you. I don’t change according to people’s will. I change according to my will to have fun with people. Why do you think Anna called me her “twin”? It is because I made myself seem that way for her.” At this point my voice was pretty harsh.
Information still seemed not to reach his brain though. Christ, how can’t people absorb bad news?!
“So you’ve been acting for four years? That is not possible. You just refuse to admit you’re copying Lilith and Hayley. You think you’re dangerous and wicked, but you’re not. You just want to be. That’s not good for you, Aquila. People will start avoiding you.” Dan said almost sounding as if he pitied me. No body can pity me. But I didn’t snap. I still watched what and how I’ll speak.
“I do not care, Dan! And yes, I’ve been acting! All this time. But I’m done with that. And if you don’t like what you see now, I’m really sorry but I’m afraid I don’t care one bit.” These words were practically hissed out.
“So you can’t get back to old?”
“Oh I can. I can pretend some more if you wish.” I chuckled. “I can be whoever I want to be, whenever I want.”
He placed his pack of cigarettes back in his pocked and got up. “Then, I’m afraid we can’t speak anymore.” He said in a very serious tone. This made me giggle. “I am serious.” He added to that.
“Fine.” I flashed a cynical smile and followed him to the door.

I still am not sure if he completely believed that, but, seeing how hurt he looked meant he gave it a thought at least. So you see, even if we admit how we are, we have to repeat ourselves to assure some people it is really the case. Humans are rather strange. They can’t handle the truth sometimes. That’s probably a bonus for us though. If they even start suspecting they restrain themselves from thinking in that direction. Because people always search for virtues in others, and simply can’t comprehend how can there be a person that has none. I don’t blame them though. People need love from everyone, so it must be a shock when they reveal it was false.

Sociopathy is, as everyone know, a subcategory of antisocial personality disorder. But, subcategories among the sociopaths solely can also be made. As the headline says, I’ll present how sociopaths can be classified. Let me note that this classification is my personal product so don’t take it as scientific facts, but merely an advice to follow for yourself if you ever make out someone is a sociopath, and you just want to know how much damage you can expect.

I’ll present the classification according to aggression, that is, how dangerous is the sociopath you’re dealing with.

The first, and most dangerous, type is a True Sadistic Sociopath.
These are the masters of sociopathic traits. They are perfect liars, completely cold-blooded, zero percent of conscience and the have no boundaries.
They wear perfect masks without a single crack, their every step is planned in detail, and they are the most charming people you’ve ever met. They are successful in every sphere of their life and will make you feel sorry for even sharing the air with them.
They are also potential killers, and will probably say they don’t like animals. And even if they don’t say it, and come in contact with a kitten for instance, you’ll see sharp, dominant moves even if they’re just petting it. These are the sociopaths that most likely spent their childhood torturing and killing small animals. They all “have a thing” for sadistic films and books and will probably gladly admit that they’d like to try torturing a human. These sociopaths are on the very edge of psychopathy mostly because they’re very controlling towards themselves and will rarely snap.

The second type is also quite dangerous, but has a lower degree of practical sadism. This type is a Sadistic-minded Sociopath. Sure, you might say it’s the same thing, but it isn’t really. I too, probably wouldn’t separate these types, but this type is where I belong, and it differs from the first exactly because this type keeps physical sadism out of practice and keeps it in the head.
Their mask is also different (and can be exposed), as they aren’t so strictly organized and have a greater chance to snap due to having the same aggression level as the first type, but aren’t able to control themselves as much.
This type also can be indifferent towards animals. This means they did not necessarily torture animals when they were younger, but they did imagine it, and had temptations to do so.
They can, though, become murderers. These are inclined more towards hurting people, and probably were problematic children. They are expected to also show interest in sadistic things, but will keep it low enough. They would most likely express it in sex games, and through some ordinary habits (For instance, I like biting my friends as a joke), and like holding sharp things that can be used as weapons.
They are prone to making serious threats and certainly wouldn’t miss a chance to get into a fight and go far enough to take out a weapon too if they’re sure they would get away with it.

The third type is a Mental Manipulator. It is the most common type. They wear masks, but their masks last only as long as they serve the purpose. After they get bored, the mask slowly slips off and they become verbally violent, even physically, but these aren’t meant to ever become killers. As far as they go is blackmailing. This third type is exactly why there is a statement that “not all sociopaths are serial killers–” and the first two go for the extension “–but most serial killers are sociopaths.”
This group maybe did torture animals, but they find real joy in hurting humans emotionally only. Of course all of the types do this, but only this type has it as a primary purpose. They can even like animals and keep pets. Because Mental Manipulators find pleasure in breaking hearts not bones, to put it that way.

This is the classification that can accommodate to all sociopaths. Of course, as in any classification, one can be an in-between-type, but you can easily conclude that out of the above facts.

I plan on making something slightly different soon too, and that would be a parallel between male and female sociopaths. I will write this out of personal experience, as I’m a female sociopath and I had a chance of meeting two male sociopaths of which I was in a relationship with one. Differences do exist. But on that some other time.

Even though sociopathy comes in adolescence, every sociopath has certain patterns in behavior throughout their whole life and a characteristic way of thinking. Due to that, sociopathic traits can be detected in childhood, although, parents seem to think “It can’t ever be my child” so these are most frequently neglected. I didn’t pay much attention to my past behavior either, until I got interested in researching antisocial personality disorder. Even then, it came to me quite unexpectedly.

As I was never a person prone to maintaining order in my room, all of my notebooks dating from elementary school remained stuffed in the drawers, and I never bothered to look through them even during my researches. It just didn’t seem to get my attention even though I had second thoughts concerning my general behavior from those years.
Then, it happened that I was sitting in my room once, way too bored to stand it, and no one I could use to kill that boredom was available. So, I went on sniffing around my drawers, taking everything out and started looking through my old notebooks and papers. It was mostly scribbling and some school work, but I came across some poetry I wrote when I was first grade. It was mostly horrible written, kiddy poetry about random things, but there was one poem that differed significantly. It started off as a poem about cosmos, but at the certain point it grew into expressing an opinion on my classmates. It was dark and negative, at one point wishing death/disappearance for all of them. I was seven when that was written.
This tingled my curiosity further so I ended up reading through the content of over 30 notebooks, mostly finding only school work, doodles of dead dinos and monsters, and occasionally an essay or two. The next thing I ran into was a short essay from the third grade of high school, which seemed to pin the subject perfectly. I’ll write it here as it’s pretty short, but quite well explains the view I have concerning good and bad deeds. And I remember that the teacher strongly disagreed with me when I read it.

Headline was: The importance of balance between good and bad.
And this is the essay:

The balance between Good and Bad. I hear this a lot. Everywhere. Everyone talks with a strong belief that good and bad are two opposite things. Two directions someone must choose. Well, I wouldn’t say so.
What are good and bad in the first place? What defines them actually? Good people are the ones that help others no matter what? Is that so… But those people can put themselves aside and become miserable because they feel abused. What do I have from the fact that someone, who doesn’t mean anything to me, says: “Oh she helped me and didn’t ask for anything in return! She’s a good person!” I have one big nothing. Because I know they’ll also say: “Oh she helped me once… She will help anytime.” Isn’t that abusing? I’d say it is. Then, am I a bad person, if we follow the definition of society? Am I wrong to put myself and MY pleasure first? If so, call me evil. Maybe it sounds selfish, but I consider those who mind their own business good people. Tell me then, what a good person is? What are good and bad exactly? No one can tell. Actually, I claim that neither good nor bad exist as a defined term. Everyone sees it differently. Then, I am sure, but absolutely sure, that everyone is both good and bad, depending on the mask they wear, and how they treat whom. Because we have as many personalities as many people we know.
So, what kind of balance are we looking for when it’s already there? Pick a side. If you’re good to others you’ll be bad to yourself, or the opposite. Then, I choose society’s definition of a bad person.
To put it clear… In our own minds, good is something that gives us a pleasant feeling, or the thrill. Bad is something that we don’t like or mind it. Universe doesn’t care about making a balance. It is us who strive to make it with our own laws. I say sit back, relax, and watch the humanity decay under its own definitions and rules.

This essay I read with pride, and stood behind every word even though 80% of my class claimed it was wrong and cruel to think only of my own gain in every situation, and pointed out that I was wrong about the part where I said that being a different person for different people is normal, and claimed it is impossible. Even the teacher agreed on that one and I still tried proving them that I was right.
I had no idea then, but even today, I can’t say I find anything wrong in that attitude. The only difference is that now I know why it stands like that.

A sociopath is a soulless person living only to ruin others’ lives. A narcissist that is above everyone. But, what does a sociopath actually see when looking into the mirror?

Sociopaths may not be able to feel emotions like any other human, but we still have some sort of emotions. They significantly differ from a healthy specter but they can cause the same effect sometimes.
We are cold and devoid of feelings most of the time, only using our brain with no heart involved.
But, I can claim, not one sociopath can remain cold-hearted when they look at themselves; because that is the only person they live for and have compassion for.

The image changes though.
Most of the time, it’s plain narcissism. I can spend hours only looking at my reflection and admiring to myself. But, that’s when everything I need to be in control of is that way.
If I have problems with that control, or just getting through abandonment period (which happened a few times to me, followed as the consequence of exposure) the image changes drastically. This is when sociopath can feel, and starts feeling certain emotions from the specter.

It is never a normal regret though. Not the one you’d expect from someone who can see their mistakes and feel sorry for being a bad person, because that sort demands conscience. This regret is based on my mistakes in manipulations. The moment of snapping and telling the truth. Because, when I’m annoyed or angry to a certain point I can’t really control what I’m saying. I get sick of games and just spill everything I really think out. And that drives people away from me, understandable, of course.

So, I tend to stare deep into my own eyes, thinking and thinking. Sociopaths can certainly feel depression, and that is something we take really hard. That’s when we stop toying, because there’s no one left to toy with, and then we have time to turn back and see what hides behind the mask we carry 24 hours a day, even when we’re alone. And when that mask slips all that remains is a monster.
Now, I don’t try to see a soul in the reflection, but I do try to see that monster, and I do see it. Ruthless and conscienceless person staring back. That’s when I realize I simply need other people around me. I need their emotions or I’ll start falling apart.
It differs from loneliness people with normal emotions can feel, because they feel sadness, and we feel craving. So, the period of not being able to play games forces us to get away from that mirror right after regaining some energy, and go back to hunting, simply because we can’t stand looking into that monster anymore.

This leads to a conclusion we can adore ourselves only when we’re powered by others’ emotions that reflect on us, at least superficially. We don’t feel them, but we can see how they look like, and due to that we have to be around emotional people.

It is a selfish thing to do, but it is demanded and as we have to make others feel the way we want to, no matter the cost, we are devoid of conscience and empathy. If we had those, we would just feel twice as miserable for doing it and we’d fall into a vicious circle that not one person could really stand. We wouldn’t be capable of functioning and would probably have quite short lifetime. That’s why antisocial personality disorder disables our mind from conscience.

Sociopathic behavior seems as it is designed to work against the rest of society, but it certainly is not against nature itself. As said, the law of nature is: survival of the fittest. And sociopaths and psychopaths are in advantage when it comes to this law. We care only for ourselves and that lets us adapt almost everywhere, makes us capable of eliminating our competition and put our own survival in the first place. So, if society would ever decay, it would be sociopaths/psychopaths that would be the last ones standing.
Our psyche is designed for this nature’s law, and society lives contrary to it. That is the only reason why we can’t ever fit in without masks.

Getting exposed before finishing their plans is the greatest punishment for any sociopath. That’s a knife in the heart and it triggers bitterness and rage, but, with rage it also triggers the desire to take revenge.
As I read in many places and blogs, people, when noticing a sociopath, run as fast as they can, which I consider a smart decision. But I had a situation where the person that revealed the way I am wanted to confront me, actually, was convinced she was going to beat me in the game of manipulations.
She made a huge mistake with that. Let’s call her Anna, for instance, since it’ll be much easier for me to present the situation if I can use names, but I won’t use any real names here.

So, our friendship started two and a half years before she saw my real self. We became best friends, as we were so simmilar in everything. This was a mirror effect of course, since she is nothing like me.
At first, I thought we’ll be just fine, as she met her boyfriend thanks to me, and the whole group of friends we were both in (she came from a foreign country to live here).
And as long as I was the first on her list of friends, I was content. I never planed to manipulate her, and the only thing I did as a sociopath was to keep on a faint mask that she’ll love. She still did know I was genuinely ruthless towards some people we both knew, but she was convinced I acted that way to cover up my weaknesses. This annoyed me, since I hate to be said I am weak, but it was better for me if she thought so, and I let her to. After all, she wasn’t the first to say it.
After two years, she distanced from me, as she was always a person easy for manipulation, and her other so-called-friends used that in far worse ways than I did (one even put the joint in her bag without her knowledge, for fun). I didn’t want to bother with saying that to her as she never listened when I was pointing out how she was incapable to ever say “no”, and how stupid it is to believe everyone is good. I tried my best to detach her from those junkies, but she refused. After all, she could never read people as well as I can. And she still clings to those abusers. Anna took my talking wrong and, as she’s not an angel either, decided to take revenge on me. She started copying me, and tried taking my place in our group (as we called it The Battery, I’ll refer to our circle of friends that way from now on) while I was occupied with my relationship. This enraged me pretty much, and I made small gossips which made the whole Battery get a pretty black image of her. It wasn’t all lies to put it clear. I have just put a spotlight on her bad traits. This led to Anna’s distancing from the rest of the Battery and I could pull her to myself again, as her greatest weakness was to be hated by people. This didn’t last long, since she was jealous of my other friend (let’s call her Hayley) that I am very close with. Hayley is the only person who knows me the way I am, and is still by my side. Anna, much as myself, is an attention seeker. But, her methods for drawing attention were always pathetic, and she always plays a victim. This is another trait of hers I despise. And I’m sure that the combination of that and her over-confidence is something that actually ruined her chances against me.

What made me rage was when I made a cardinal mistake and all control slipped from my hands.
It was plain stupidity!

Hayley is someone who has a total insight in all of my plans and manipulations, since she’s the only one out of the Battery I hang around with. And I needed someone to share my plans and successes with, because, as you know by now, sociopath needs verification of his/her deeds.
So, as Anna had some problems in her longlasting relationship, because her angelic mask had fallen off, I saw my chance to completely ruin her life as a revenge for her tries to take my place and kick me out as her rival. After all, I was taking all of the attention she wanted.
And I wrote my plan down for Hayley, but, I forgot to rip the piece out of the notebook I carried to my classes in the fourth grade. And I was reckless about it, so it reached Anna’s hands.

This is where the main ruckus started.

I tried talking my way out, with a sort of a compromise. I was to forget about my manipulation to ruin every aspect of her social life, and she was to simply discard the fact I worked behind her back all the time and not tell anyone. She had accepted the deal, but in the next few days things were shaky. I couldn’t tell what am I at with her as she did speak to me in a brief manner, in classes, but was still very cold, plus, I was in a company of Hayley much more at that period of time.
That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t sad that I lost her as a friend, I was furious because I got caught. It was unbearable to know that, and I felt utterly defeated. Because, the only way to hurt a sociopath is to cut the contact with them. This burns, and I just had to try to fix things. To try and get her back to my side.

At breaks we get out together for a cigarette and that’s when I took a shot. (I will also mention Dan here, our friend who I find rather pathetic, since he thinks he has a chance of hooking up with any of the females from the Battery; and his brother, who I’ll call John, who is a classical thief and a complete idiot, but has hots for Anna)
The conversation was going on like this…

Me: Hey, Anna, how about you come by for a coffee today?
Anna: I’m gonna have to reject your offer.
Me: And why is that? I thought we made an agreement. I said I wasn’t going to do that ever again. And I don’t feel like going to Dan’s today, you know how he hits on both of us! Come on. (this is the point where I already got agitated)
Anna: I don’t think so… I told him I have a crush on John. And I won’t talk to you outside of school anymore. I’m doing this only to observe how Hayley will react. You know, you aren’t the only manipulator around.
Me: Uh-huh.

This is when I stormed into the school buildng, feeling like I’ll start kicking everything I can, and throw and break things. I wanted to kill her at that point, in the real sense of those words. But I had to stay calm and not show it.
That’s when I hit the brake and rewinded our conversation in my head. How stupid of her!
That’s when the odds were on my side again. She had the victory on her palm and was just to grab it, but she let it slip. I laughed. I laughed out loud, couldn’t hold it in at all.
She called me a psychopath in the face three days earlier, and now, knowing how I was, still provided me informations on her “manipulations”! Now, I had the material to tell a story of what a lying bitch she was, and she gave me the motive to do it. I really wasn’t going to until she declared this war. “No one is to be a bigger manipulator than me. No one is better than me. And I will prove it.” were the thoughts I had at that moment. The Battery consists of horrible people really. They are all scum in some way, but they stick together, and when someone tries fooling them, they can be merciless. I’ve heard all of the plots they made against some people, I was a part of some for fun, and they would simply insult them in the face. Tease in a rather cruel way. Anna had a nickname Sophisticated bitch the first time they had seen how she was. But then, she had her boyfriend to stand in her defense. Now that her relationship was falling apart, she didn’t have that. And her greatest weakness, as I said, is to be hated by other people; not to get the needed dose of attention. A classical histrionic.

So, if she didn’t pick on me, she’d be fine, and would even beat me in my own game. I’d have to admit she was better. But no, she was so confident! And she has to pay the price.
The only thing she could still use is that piece of paper, but if everything started decaying, I wouldn’t mind it much. Or, the threat would do to get it back.

All in all, once you expose a sociopath, better distance right away, don’t think you can play the game any longer, because once enraged, it easily passes the limits of mental abuse only. Remember, we have no conscience, and the hurt ego triggers our real ruthlessness.

As the basic feature of every sociopath comes manipulation. We live for deception and we possess a natural talent for performing those.

A sociopath can be capable to manipulate not only one person at a time, but dozens.
For instance, I managed to manipulate 24 people at a time, divided into 5 groups. I was a member of one. So, on this example, I’ll explain how easily we do it.

It was on a seminar, the topic was about design, which gave me extra help, as I’m a creative person, very good on that field. And I had a good reputation concerning my drawing talent so it caused everyone asking for my help.

So, 5 groups consisting of 5 students each had a task to design the best school presentation card for the future first-graders.
As everyone started working, I explained each in my group what they were to do while I checked other groups, targeting their mistakes and “helping” them.

That looked like this:
I detect what the group抯 weakest point is and make sure they miss it, then make a plan for the whole card based on pointing out that point and make it seem ordinary, and yet, manage to convince them it’s unique.
Then, I go over to the second group; making sure they get some similar idea as the first group and eliminate them both as my competition because they’d have unoriginal cards in the most important aspects.
The third group had no idea what to do, so it was especially easy to lead them in a wrong direction with sweet talk about how it shouldn’t look plain, so they overdid it with girly details and made it look awful by themselves. Lack of style, and they’re done.
Fourth group was a bit harder as my friend was in it, and she is also an artistic type so I had to make sure they actually do a good job, but not as good as my group. This demanded a reconstruction of my own group’s card.
I came up with a good idea quickly and reversed their whole work so they had little time to actually accomplish to make it because the clock was ticking out. But knowing how my friend was persistent and over-confident I also knew she’d try, and took the risk. By the end her group didn’t manage to finish after all, just as I thought, and they had to improvise at the presentation which resulted in insecurity and lack of some essential things that I made sure my group had when I got back to it. All this resulted in our group sticking out significantly in compare to others. So we won with the best design, and a confident presentation with me as a speaker.

This was a pretty meaningless competition, but I didn’t care, because the only prize I seek for is glorification. And I got it in this case.
Plus, every one of 24 people was thankful for my help.

This is one of successful manipulations, and these can boost sociopath’s ego incredibly much. Failure, on the other hand, can trigger high aggression and the thirst for vengeance. I get defeat really hard, and when one occurs, people meet my vindictive side. I tend to threat then and beat them in some other game. These are usually mental games that simply ruin their day, since hurting them physically would lead to a problem that would probably mess up some bigger plans, or just my public image that has to stay intact. So, a sociopath will most likely rather use verbal abuse which cannot be proven to others, than beating someone up and leave evidence.

This way, a sociopath makes sure you lose to them in some way anyway. And even if you try telling your friends the way he/she really is, there is a great chance they won’t believe, in case they also know the sociopath personally.
This is another case of group manipulation. If a sociopath decided to toy with you, he must make a safe field for it first. He’ll get close to your friends and convince them he is a good, caring person, and following the logic where people believe the story they hear first, he’s in advantage from the start. So, even when you realize the way he is, you’ll get the support much harder than you’d expect. Because, he can go that far to turn your friends against you. And that way, he’ll keep making your life difficult even after you distance from him.

These are a piece of cake for a sociopath really, and it’s fun performing these, so, even if one fails, he won’t suffer for losing that circle of people because it’s always easy to find a new one that won’t know how he really is.
So, you can’t win…

I’ve always thought I was different in some way, but I started researching mental disorders in the perod of first grade at high school. I’ve noticed my hostility towards people was very high, even though I acted pleasantly with my classmates, and quickly became a magnet for people. They seemed to love being around me, listen to me, and be friends with me. And I enjoyed that, although, I’ve always observed others as if they were below me in every field. And I played my role, being charming and friendly…

I haven’t had many friends in elementary school, since I was a rebel then, getting in fights eagerly, very serious ones ocassionally, even made an ambush for one girl promising I’ll kill her, making the whole school jump on its feet, so she was afraid to get out for a full hour after classes and when finally did, it was in company of a teacher. It was a ruckus, but I’ve made my way out of it, making it look as if it was her fault. I had no regrets of doing so, even went on being proud of it. And one friend I’ve had was a genuinely stupid girl. I enjoyed toying with her, even convinced her I had a boyfriend from the same town. The guy didn’t even exist, and yet, I managed to hold her thinking he did for five months. When I got bored of it I said we broke up, and I am convinced she still thinks that the guy was real even today.

But in high school I decided to change my approach.
I made a whole new person out of myself. Including both physical appearance and persona. I cut my hair short and dyed it black, changed my dressing style and lost some weight in order to look the best I could. This all occured during the summer break so I walked in there as another person from the first day.
Concerning my personality, I was now a cheerful girl, carefree and silly.
People bought that perfectly, and soon I was very loved and sorrounded by people. Although, this bore me by the end of the year and I switched classes, changing again in the second grade, pretty much cutting all the contacts with friends from the first grade. Now I was still a friendly one, but with a dose of arrogance showing, and without holding back about getting in a conflict with the ones I found irritating. I created an image of a “freaky” one, making rather disgusting threats in a joking tone. So yeah, I still held the title of a charming person, despite showing a hostile attittude toward some classmates, because not many people liked them anyway.
Those who I was coarse with found it fun to pick on me then, giving me frequent chances to feel the thrill of getting into a verbal fight and at the same time granting me the imunity if I got into a physical fight due to their bad reputation and my good one going along. I never got into one though because they would cut it out if it would head in that direction.
But, I now had two friends by my side all the time, best friends as they labeled it, and they knew my good side; a caring friend that is always there for them, and the one they have to protect in return. With them, I had an opened passage to all the people they were hanging out with, and gaining good reputation among wider circle of people from school.
And through the third grade I’ve held the same attittude, being the same person as I couldn’t change abruptly as in the first and the second grade, due to the same circle of people. Although, I found thrill in the relationship instead.
Manipulating the guy I targeted and got together with. The first time we were in a relationship it ended with me saying he was just an echange for the first boyfriend I’ve had. Four months later, we got together again, I claimed I had changed, and truly, I did change my behaviour steadily over time, so everyone from our circle of friends could confirm. I drained him in the period of approximately six moths. He was deeply in love with me, so I could ask for anything and I would always lighten his wallet, usually by indicating what would I like to have, and as a result would come a gift. But, as everything else, I got bored, and he started irritating me on a daily basis, so I took two months to completely ruin him, preparing a safe field for break up and making sure he’ll take all of the blame and turn out the worst person I had a chance of meeting. It worked, and I still managed to hold him on the positive side, using his sense of guilt for being such a needy boyfriend, leaving my paths opened to exploit him furter if ever needed since he does have nice connections all around the town.
As to my two friends, one is a histrionic, which makes her twice as easy to manipulate than any other person, and the other, I even told her I’m a sociopath, and she still stays by my side today, believing I would never target her. TTruth to be told, out of our whole group of friends, I have a web connecting them all with my stories, so I can really control every relationship among them as I please. Although, on that, on some other ocassion.

What I wanted to show here was just how we can change our skin without blinking. Actually, we have to, because one thing that kills us is monotony. Due to that, even hair color change comes as some sort of aid. I mean, probably every one of us has some other unimportant aspect serving this purpose, and as our outter appearance is one of the most important things to us, I found mine in frequent changes of hair style and color. Really, these superficial things can be more obvious indicators of sociopathy than behaviour patterns sometimes.